Ladies' Guide To The Disc's Eligible Bachelors
by Virtuella
Summary: A handy guide for ladies seeking that little something Roundworld bachelors just can't provide.


The Ladies' Guide to the Disc's Eligible Bachelors

_Discworld belongs to Terry Pratchett. Thanks to Clodia and Finlay for beta reading._

* * *

The Disc, world and mirror of worlds, is an alluring tourist attraction in its own right, and to the lady casting her eyes about in search of an eligible companion in life, it is by no means pointless to look in this direction. Following the success of the Ladies' Guide to Middle-earth's Eligible Bachelors, Virtuella Publications Ltd. have undertaken a thorough assessment of the unmarried gentlemen of the Discworld. The result of our research is presented in the erstwhile familiar format which will hopefully enable easy navigation through this booklet.

Publisher's note: The pamphlet does not list trolls, because there have been as yet no studies about the genetic compatibility of silicon-based with carbon-based organisms. Neither does it include dwarves, since the dwarf community in general continues to be secretive about matters of gender, and we don't want any nasty surprises on the wedding night now, do we?

**Adrian Turnipseed**

Strengths: Mr Turnipseed is a bachelor who comes with excellent references, a first rate academic record and brilliant career prospects. As professor at Brazeneck College, Mr Turnipseed can offer his potential bride spacious accommodation in a charming bungalow on the college campus, which could, with a little effort (such as removing mouldering layers of empty pizza boxes), be turned into a delightful home.

Weaknesses: Used to call himself "Big Mad Drongo." Has been known to ask pointless questions. Possibly has an alcohol problem.

Summary: As a scientist and computer geek, Mr Turnipseed unites some of the most highly sought qualities of a bachelor: excellent sense of humour, domestic lifestyle and useful DIY skills. We would advise any lady who does not mind the climate of Fourecks to snatch up this prize if she possibly can.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Gadget. Any kind of gadget will do, as long as it is a) digital and b) completely useless.

Status: Highly recommended.

**A E Pessimal**

Strengths: Mr Pessimal is a neat and well-mannered individual. He is very low maintenance and in possession of valuable skills that will benefit the potential Mrs Pessimal. A lady espoused to Mr Pessimal will never have to worry about filling in tax return forms or choosing the right kind of home insurance.

Weaknesses: The editors have not been able to ascertain whether Mr Pessimal is aware of the physiological differences between the sexes.

Summary: The lack of a first name should by no means discourage ladies from setting their cap at this promising bachelor. Rather, the initials could be the basis of a delightful word game where the letters can be interpreted to mean such things as "absolutely excellent" or "amazing erection," the latter referring, of course, to Mr Pessimal's recently acquired hobby of building card houses.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Bumper pack of glasses wipes.

Status: Recommended.

**Brutha**

Strengths: "Mrs Brutha" (Virtuella Publications Ltd was unable to identify Mr Brutha's second name) can expect to live in divine accommodation and to be regarded with a certain degree of envy by other women.

Weaknesses: Allergic to tortoises. Way too venerable.

Summary: While there is nothing wrong with Mr Brutha _per se_, there is almost everything wrong with him _per sonally_. Who wants to have a husband with perfect memory, able to recall with absolute accuracy what one has said last week? Who wants to have a husband who is hailed by a large populace as a saviour – can you imagine how full of himself he would be? Mr Brutha is so irritatingly virtuous, so exasperatingly faultless that it would take a saint – perhaps even a god – to live with him on a day to day basis.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Anything, as long as it's not made from tortoise-shell.

Status: Not recommended.

**CMOT Dibbler**

Strengths: Mr Dibbler is a resilient, determined and hard-working individual with a keen, one might even say acute, business sense. He enjoys the flexible working hours of a self-employed man and owns the exclusive rights to a secret recipe for very highly avoided sausages.

Weaknesses: Promises suicide, but doesn't follow through.

Summary: The editors have no proof for this assumption but would nevertheless like to warn their esteemed readers that Mr Dibbler would be prone to trying to sell his newly-wedded wife at the first opportunity, and at a cut-throat price.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Pocket calculator with replaceable imp.

Status: Not Recommended.

**Constable Visit**

Strengths: Constable Visit is an extremely pious, upright and zealous man, who is determined to spread the Mildly Agreeable News of his religion into every corner of darkness and sin he might encounter or, as it were, seek out. He is virtue himself and full of, if not words of wisdom, then at least words.

Weaknesses: Constable Visit is an extremely pious, upright and zealous man, who is determined to spread the Mildly Agreeable News of his religion into every corner of darkness and sin he might encounter or, as it were, seek out. He is virtue himself and full of, if not words of wisdom, then at least words.

Summary: Virtuella Publications Ltd. make no recommendation in this matter. It really is a question of taste.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Reading lamp.

Status: Recommended, or not, depending.

**Corporal Nobby Nobbs**

Strengths: Corporal Nobbs is a resourceful and colourful individual with the ability to adapt to a wide range of social contexts and to profit from almost every imaginable situation. He has developed petty kleptomania into a High Art and watching him in action leaves the observer with a sense of awe at seeing a true master. If any lady is a slave to the filthy habit of smoking tobacco, she can be assured that Corporal Nobbs will be able to provide her with a quick puff even in the most adverse situations.

Weaknesses: Corporal Nobbs is smarter than he lets on in the presence of his superiors, which is a trick not to be encouraged in a husband.

Summary: The potential Mrs Nobbs should be aware that the corporal is possibly an endangered species and that she may require a special license to keep him.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Folk dancing outfit.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

**Count Gribeau**

Strengths: The count, when he is in good shape, has a very intense personal presence and a certain something that will send a shiver down the spine of even the mousiest lady. There is such power in his gait, the swing of his narrow hips… *swoon* …and the piercing look from that single eye… *drool* …and the glossiness of his curly black hair… *dribble* …and the… [smudged manuscript]

Weaknesses: Embarrassing habit of leaving entirely inappropriate "presents" on the doormat.

Summary: Without a doubt someone as precariously connected with human civilization as Count Gribeau, not to mention his limited verbal skills, is unlikely to make a reliable and presentable husband, but, OMG, the sex would be out of this world.

…

Oops. Forget that I said that last bit.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Black leather breeches. _Tight_ black leather breeches.

Status: *swoon, drool, gape*

**Donald, Lord Downey**

Strengths: Assassins are dashing and cool, so by default being Head of the Assassins' Guild makes Lord Downey ultra-dashing and mega-cool. While rumour has it that Lord Downey was a notorious bully during his high school days, we would not hold such old stories against someone who has in the present day consistently proved himself a gentleman. In addition to the title and social position, the potential Lady Downey can expect very satisfactory accommodation within the Assassins' Guild premises and significant discounts with Ankh-Morpork's leading tradesmen.

Weaknesses: Lord Downey's home baking is not recommended.

Summary: Taking on Lord Downey may mean taking your chances, which in this case may materialise in the shape of appetising almond buns and highly suspicious striped humbugs, but isn't taking chances what life is all about?

Suggested Hogswatch present: _1001 Healthy Cake Recipes._

Status: Recommended (excluding home baking).

**Havelock Vetinari**

Strengths: Lord Vetinari is eminently erudite, eloquent and elegant. His astonishing intelligence is rivalled only by his supreme sense of humour and dry wit. While his lordship's taste runs to the austere, his style is nevertheless impeccable. The wife of Lord Vetinari would never have to blush about a husband who is inadequately shaved or wearing mismatched socks. His lordship has an impressive academic track record and, as a graduate of the Assassin's Guild, is familiar with the finer points of etiquette and homicide. His more arcane skills include juggling and donkey handling. The palatial accommodation of the Patrician is in excellent decorative order, having undergone complete refurbishment after damage sustained from a dragon infestation several years ago. When viewing the property, do not miss the palace gardens, an ingenious design by B S Johnson and one of the finest examples of Bizarre and Dysfunctional Landscape gardening in the Sto Plains.

Weaknesses: None.

Summary: It seems unlikely that any lady exists who possesses the power to captivate his lordship's heart. However, we do by no means intend to discourage any spirited lady from trying. Virtuella Publications Ltd. take no responsibility for any involuntary acquaintance with the scorpion pit which a lady might experience as a result of her efforts to attract his lordship's attention.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Sheet music or lace making kit.

Status: Hands off, he's mine.

**Hubert Turvy**

Strengths: Mr Turvy has an amazing hairstyle that could provide hours of entertainment for the potential Mrs Turvy. He has a certain intelligence, well, make that genius, well, make that uncanny ability to – actually let's forget about that altogether. But amazing hairstyle, certainly. He is not insane as such, more slightly differently normal, or at least – actually, let's focus on the hairstyle. Really amazing. How is it done? Mr Turvy is a well-meaning citizen, well, make that a clueless nerd, or coming to think of it – actually, did I mention the amazing hairstyle?

Weaknesses: It is a disturbing idea that Mr Turvy might want to install valves on a wife.

Summary: Any lady who even considers a husband called Hubert deserves all she's getting.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Puppy.

Status: Not recommended.

**Igor**

Strengths: Mr Igor, as well as his brothers Igor, Igor and Igor, his cousins Igor, Igor, Igor, Igor, Igor, Igor and Igor, his uncles Igor, Igor and Igor, his nephews Igor, Igor, Igor, Igor and Igor, his half-father Igor and his grandfathers Igor, Igor and Igor, possesses a highly idiosyncratic brand of charm which will captivate the heart of many ladies in spite of his, ahem, unfortunate physiognomy. Mr Igor is renowned for his diligence, loyalty and attention to detail, as well as for a refreshingly straightforward approach to cosmetic surgery.

Weaknesses: Mr Igor has an inextinguishable proclivity towards servitude which will make it nigh impossible for the more fastidious lady to gain the establishment that would suit her needs. An otherwise endearing speech impediment regrettably leads to spittle frequently landing in the face of Mr Igor's conversation partners. Tendency to be sneaky.

Summary: Mr Igor, as well as his abovementioned male relatives, would make a handy and easily manageable lap do- _husband_ and could, for a lady accordingly inclined, open career prospects in the domestic service business, notably as housekeepers.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Raise-your-own-lightening-rod kit.

Status: Recommended.

**Imp Y Celin**

Strengths: Mr Y Celin has the dreamy looks, ridiculous name and destiny-ridden musical talent of the true romantic hero. To speak profanely of sex-appeal is to sully all that is sacred and intrinsically admirable in adolescent hero worship.

Weaknesses: The view of Mr Y Celin is usually obscured by groupies.

Summary: With a little patience, a sporting lady might well be lucky enough to catch a glimpse of Mr Y Celin even on an overcast day. Y Celin watching is a rewarding pastime, though it is advisable to bring solid footwear and hot beverages.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Waterproof harp.

Status: Recommended.

**Jonathan Teatime**

Strengths: If Mr Teatime could be persuaded to wear sunglasses constantly, he would be considered a particularly handsome young man. Putting aside his homicidal personality, he is an all round pleasant and agreeable bachelor. Dazzling mental abilities and supreme poise would make Mr Teatime a prized jewel in any ambitious lady's collection.

Weaknesses: Unless she wants to keep her maiden name (and really, what's the point then; how are people supposed to know that she is married?), the wife of Mr Teatime faces a lifetime of having to chant, "No, it's Teh-ah-tim-eh."

Summary: The companion of Mr Teatime can expect to have very few enemies, albeit also very few friends.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Virtue gift of a cataract operation for a poor orphan in Muntab.

Status: Allegedly dead at time of going to print.

**Leonard of Quirm**

Strengths: For those among our esteemed readers who appreciate originality, Mr da Quirm is a rare find. His short attention span will ensure that his wife can gain approval for just about any little project of her own without too much scrutiny from her husband. Spacious and with lofty skylights that provide delectable brightness, Mr da Quirm is a truly enlightened spirit and highly desirable flat.

Weaknesses: Doesn't get out enough.

Summary: In spite of the limited access to and the poor decorative order of Mr da Quirm, he has the potential to be an attractive property which would only take modernisation and refurbishing to satisfy a lady's sophisticated taste.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Crayons.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

**Librarian of Unseen University**

Strengths: The Librarian of Unseen University is a quiet and rather private individual with idiosyncratic tastes. He holds a lifetime post in a responsible position with good benefits and an outstanding pension plan. Strong and supple, very athletic, intelligent, courageous, honest and loyal. Excellent teeth.

Weaknesses: It has come to our attention that _The Librarian_ is possibly a pseudonym and that the gentleman is in fact called Dr Horace Worblehat, which would significantly reduce his eligibility. Very restricted diet. Sub-standard accommodation. Sheds hair.

Summary: At the time of going to print, Virtuella Publications Ltd. have not been able to ascertain whether or not the Librarian is under a vow of celibacy, which is generally considered a disadvantage in marriage. This uncertainty aside, the Librarian is a fine specimen of a bachelor who would suit an open-minded lady without speciesist prejudice.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Flea powder.

Status: Recommended.

**Lu-Tse the Sweeper**

Strengths: Swings a mean broom. Has a suitable nerdy hobby that will keep him away from under your feet. Tough, nimble and in extremely good shape for his age.

Weaknesses: Annoying tendency to be always right and to go on and on about incomprehensible "Rules". We are informed that Mr Lu-Tse indulges in an activity called "slicing" which, we confess, sounds dodgy to us. Invents dull and obscure puzzles. Smug. Opinionated. Appears at unexpected times and in unexpected places, which could lead to embarrassing situations. His potential wife is faced with the humiliation of being called "Mrs Sweeper."

Summary: Whatever Mr Lu-Tse's various faults may be, a man who can handle a broom is not to be sniffed at.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Broom bristle refreshment spray.

Status: Recommended with extreme caution.

**Marco Soto**

Strengths: His hair.

Weaknesses: His hair.

Summary: Unfortunately, nothing else is known about Mr Soto.

Suggested Hogswatch present: hair clips, hair bands, hair conditioner, hair styling mousse, combs, brushes, straighteners, curlers, blow dryer…

Status: Virtuella Publications Ltd. do not feel in a position to make a recommendation in this case.

**Mustrum Ridcully**

Strengths: Strength. Personality. Vigour. Determination. Optimism. Authority. Sportsmanship. Curiosity. Joviality. Health.

Weaknesses: Girth.

Summary: In spite of his mature age, Virtuella Publications Ltd. are confident that Mr Ridcully can yet look forward to a good many years of active life and is in full possession of all his, as it were, faculties. Vow of celibacy may pose a slight obstacle, but not one that could not be overcome with a little ingenuity.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Hat rack or megaphone.

Status: Recommended.

**Otto Chriek**

Strengths: In spite of his unfortunate name, Mr Chriek is a calm, respectable, very gentlemanly professional who rarely ever raises his voice. Resourceful and inventive, Mr Chriek is able to weather almost any imaginable crisis. Immaculate dress sense. Provides own equipment.

Weaknesses: Mr Chriek is at times visited by a perhaps understandable but nevertheless irritating nostalgia for his previous homeland. This should be vigorously discouraged. Keeps salamanders, which can by no means count as a suitable hobby for a gentleman.

Summary: Special dietary requirements.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Digital salamander.

Status: Recommended.

**Ponder Stibbons **

Strengths: Mr Stibbons is considered a nerd or possibly a geek and thus belongs to a species of man that is highly suitable for marriage. Nerds and geeks are amusing, albeit sometimes involuntarily, they have domestic habits, are handy round the house and completely oblivious to opportunities for adultery, generally assuming that _hanky-panky_ is a type of patented handkerchief. A geek like Ponder Stibbon is able to entertain himself and has very modest demands with regard to food and grooming. Geeks don't require much exercise and don't bark, though their pens should be regularly mucked out to avoid unhygienic accumulations of empty pizza boxes.

Weaknesses: Prone to using polysyllabic words. Is currently, as a wizard, under a vow of celibacy, though the experienced lady will be able to handle this negligible problem. More seriously, though, Ponder Stibbons is often mistaken for a certain Harry Potter, who bears a striking resemblance to Mr Stibbons, without sharing any of his genius.

Summary: Ponder Stibbons is currently in a fairly raw state and probably unaware of the nature of marriage or, indeed, women. A lady would have to invest a certain amount of time and effort in training this bachelor to acceptable standards, but Virtuella Publications Ltd. are convinced that the results will make it worthwhile. Geek keeping requires a little patience and attention to detail, but is ultimately very rewarding.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Eleven-dimensional Rubik's Cube.

Status: Highly recommended.

**Rincewind**

Strengths: Mr Rincewind has for many years managed to avoid all manners of personal misfortunes, including falling of the edge of the world, being sacrificed to various gods and, for a long time, the embarrassment of becoming a member of the Unseen University faculty. Even though he has in recent years been less successful in the latter respect, he nevertheless continues to maintain his trim shape and excellent state of fitness. Fond of potatoes and other plain homemade foods. Not easily bored. Handy as a travel guide.

Weaknesses: Probably dyslexic.

Summary: It is possible that the potential Mrs Rincewind will see very little of her husband. Whether this is an advantage or a disadvantage is a question of personal preference.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Trainers.

Status: Recommended.

**Reverend Mightily Oats**

Strengths: Mr Oats is young, enthusiastic, well educated and stronger than he may appear at first sight. His religious zeal may seem unattractive to some ladies, but is greatly preferable to the passions young men often have for things like football or fast vehicles.

Weaknesses: Boils (and we do not refer to cooking skills).

Summary: As a man whose intellectual capacities are in danger of overwhelming his piety, Mr Oats is particularly likely to be susceptible to the comforts offered by an understanding lady.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Collapsible travel harmonium with integrated axe holder (can be ordered and made-to-measure by Arp & Schnitger in Ankh-Morpork).

Status: Recommended.

**Rufus Drumknott**

Strengths: Neat and effective. Unlike earlier models, the current personal assistant is very reliable and has never been known to break down. Runs well on batteries or can be charged from the mains. Low noise emissions and practically no static interference.

Weaknesses: Frequently requires pencil replacement.

Summary: Mr Drumknott may appear superficially dull, but he may very well possess hidden depths. We would encourage the enterprising lady to plumb those.

Suggested Hogswatch present: We are given to understand that Mr Drumknott's heart's desire are "filing boxes which are not so flimsy." Alternatively, a romantic weekend for two, that is, Mr Drumknott and the office supplies catalogue.

Status: Recommended.

**Reg Shoe**

Strengths: Mr Shoe is nothing if not enthusiastic. Has a penchant for a snappy phrase and charms with foolhardy courage and nearly unlimited warmth of heart (figuratively speaking). Neat habits, always keeps his grave tidy.

Weaknesses: Mr Shoes shares with other tireless defenders of minority rights the unfortunate trait of being a rather tedious conversationalist. Unhealthy complexion. Body odour.

Summary: Dust daily. Keep away from chainsaws and open fires.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Sewing basket.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

**Shawn Ogg**

Strengths: One of the few men not only capable of but actually keen onmulti-tasking, Shawn Ogg is talented in a variety of fields as diverse as martial arts, musical performance and sewage management. He is a highly valued member of the King of Lancre's palace staff and holds a position that can fittingly be described as indispensable. He is easy-going, friendly, eager to please and house-trained, but has the advantage over most dogs that he neither wags his tail nor jumps onto the furniture.

Weaknesses: Lance is a remote place with very poor infrastructure and widespread superstition. The Lance population believes in witches, ghosts, fairies and vampires, and living in such a community might prove a sore trial to the enlightened lady.

Summary: While it is rumoured that the daughters-in-law of the elder Mrs Ogg are subjected to domestic servitude, we consider this another myth perpetuated by the backwards Lancre populace. Shawn Ogg is an amiable and, moreover, malleable young man who will make an excellent family pet.

Suggested Hogswatch present: DIY mail order catalogue.

Status: Recommended.

**Stanley Howler**

Strengths: A very fresh and youthful specimen, Mr Howler is likely to bring out maternal instincts in most ladies, which need not necessarily be a bad thing. Mr Howler is methodical, conscientious, knowledgeable (albeit in, um, rather limited areas of expertise) and at times surprisingly creative. As Head of Stamps at the Ankh-Morpork Post office, Mr Howler is deft and experienced at licking.

Weaknesses: It is to be feared that if Mr Howler ever begins to take an interest in women, he will attempt to collect the full set.

Summary: Feed regularly. Avoid direct sunlight and water twice a week.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Collectible key rings or Pilates lessons to correct posture.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

**Teppic/Pteppic**

Strengths: Mr Teppic is reasonably handsome, of extremely noble descent, exquisitely educated and young, though of course the latter won't last forever. He must also be credited with a certain amiability not always found in royal families. Available in five mouth-watering flavours.

Weaknesses: Mr Teppic is lumbered with a plethora of elderly, if not to say ancient relatives, many of whom have shocking standards of personal hygiene. This could lead to embarrassing scenes at family reunions. Furthermore, Mr Teppic's name means "carpet" in Uberwaldian, and it might be assumed that this would make his wife a doormat.

Summary: Though it is unlikely that Mr Teppic, who has practically given up all claims to the throne, will be obliged to take dynastic considerations into account when choosing a marriage partner, it would nevertheless be advisable for the interested lady to carry proof of pedigree, forged if need be.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Flexible bandages.

Status: Recommended.

**Tomjon Vitoller**

Strengths: Young, handsome and jovial, Mr Vitoller is an all-round desirable bachelor who would be able to adapt to a variety of different marital scenarios. While it is rumoured that Mr Vitoller is actually of royal blood, we would advise the sensible lady to pay no heed to such romantic fabrications. The man is attractive enough just as he is.

Weaknesses: Professional fallacy. A lady would never know whether Mr Vitoller shows true feelings or is only acting a part.

Summary: Make sure Mr Vitoller is securely locked up in the costumes cabinet at night, as petty theft is one of the staple hazards of a travelling lifestyle. Use mothballs as appropriate.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Collected works of Shakespeare or wig.

Status: Recommended.

**Tolliver Groat**

Strengths: Mr Groat is a mature bachelor who still has all his own teeth and someone else's hair. He has recently enjoyed a steep rise in his chosen career, though this probably needs to be considered relative to the starting point. Maintains a very stable state of ill-health. Dedication to duty and the strength of mind to believe things against all evidence to the contrary are qualities that might be effectively moulded into marital virtues.

Weaknesses: Highly combustible.

Summary: Technically a bachelor, Mr Groat is pretty much married to his job. He could be a stimulating companion for a lady with a keen interest in forensic alchemy.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Yellow socks.

Status: Cautiously recommended.

**Victor Tugelbend**

Strengths: Virtuella Publications Ltd. consider Mr Tugelbend excellent husband material, due to his extreme laziness. This may superficially seem paradoxical, but in fact it makes perfect sense. Mr Tugelbend is too lazy to clear up a mess, so he won't make one. You will never find his sock lying on the floor. He keeps his drawers immaculately tidy at all times to save himself the trouble of hunting for things. With regard to any chores you would like him to do around the house, simply make sure that not doing them would be too much hassle.

Mr Tugelbend is also rather handsome, though the moustache is a little last century.

Weaknesses: Can't sing, can't dance. Can handle a sword a little, which – given the phallic connotation – is somewhat worrying, though less worrying than "Can't handle sword."

Summary: The sword issue aside, Mr Tugelbend is charming and even manages to combine good looks with intelligence. We would advise Mr Tugelbend's wife to take out a good fire insurance due to the fire hazard posed by his smouldering eyes.

Suggested Hogswatch present: A thousand elephants.

Status: Highly recommended.

**Vlad de Magpyr**

Strengths: Mr de Magpyr not only has nearly irresistible sexual magnetism, but also a dazzling taste in waistcoats. Although considered an "amateur" by one uncanonical Nimbus Llewelyn, Virtuella Publications Ltd. is of the opinion that Mr de Magpyr is a particularly fine specimen of his, um, rather specialized species. He is pleasantly aerodynamic, washable and available in four eminently fashionable colours.

Weaknesses: Bites.

Summary: Mr de Magpyr is just the man to make a spirited lady soar. Virtuella Publications Ltd. take no responsibility for any side effects.

Suggested Hogswatch present: Black Ribbon.

Status: Cautiously recommended.


End file.
